Misheard Song Lyrics
Misheard lyrics: Back at my house I have a California king, okay maybe its a twin bed and a mermaid, don’t worry we’re cool.
-Red Wine Supernova by Chappell Roan
A mermaid lives in the bathtub of my two bedroom, two bathroom apartment. Yes, a mermaid. She has a long tail with shimmering iridescent scales, a shell bra, the whole she-bang! I don’t know how she got there. I don’t know why she’s there, but one day I found her.
I was finishing up with work. I had just completed a nine hour shift filled with too many grouchy customers looking for their next hit of caffeine. Sharon had just invited me out to get drinks with her and maybe find someone to go home with since I broke up with my ex-girlfriend, Vicky.
“Come on Tiff, it will be fuuunnn,” Sharon tugs the bottom of my green apron and I give her a look of exasperation. “How? No, honestly tell me how because from where I’m standing, a nap sounds a whole hell of lot better than spending another couple of hours on my feet. They ache.”
“You’ll forget about the pain when you are dancing your cute ass off. Also I heard that today is ladies night at O’Shenanigans. You never know who you might meeet,” her voice is sing songy and sweet. I know that she is just trying to make me feel better. Me and Vicky broke up two weeks ago very publicly. I caught her locking lips with Ophelia at a local convention center during their annual antique fair and suffice to say I was not quiet about the matter, especially after she told me our relationship was just a casual affair, not anything to get in upset about. I didn’t realize vacationing with your casual hookups’ parents was a normal occurrence, but what do I know.
The reminder of her puts a sour taste in my mouth. Maybe going out isn’t the worst idea… Maybe it’ll show Vicky what a real hookup is.
Sharon senses my cracking resolve. “Yes!! Yay! You’re going!” She’s bouncing on her toes.
“What, no! I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to. I saw it. Right there on your face.” She taps my nose.
I shake my head at her. “Okay fine. Maybe I was considering that it might not be that bad of an idea.”
“I knew it!” She squeals. “Shoo, shoo. Go get ready I will finish closing up. Meet you there in an hour. Don’t be late and no backing out!” She shoves me towards the door and then shuts the door in my face. The bell chimes as the door shuts, sentencing me to my doom. I sigh and turn away from the coffee shop. My drive home is a blur of pop music and idiot drivers. My mind is whirring through every possible piece of clothing I have trying to figure out the best outfit for ladies night. I want to give off approachable, but not easy. Hot, but not desperate. Do I have anything for that?
When I walk inside I peel my apron off and set in on the counter. The maneuver causing the sent of sweat and stale coffee beans to assault my nostrils. I try not to gag. *Ew. *
I guess I will need to shower as well, I grumble to myself. God, why did I agree to this?
My steps are heavy as I force my feet to carry me to the bathroom. With a yawn I flick on the light. The yawn quickly transforms into a scream as the light illuminates the half fish half woman creature lounging in my bath tub. I almost trip over myself trying to back away from the room.
No, no, no, no. I did not see what I think I just saw, I did not-
Come back here, mere mortal and greet me, a feminine voice echoes through my head. My eyes widen and swing back towards the bathroom. That couldn’t have been…
Now! the woman commands. My feet move before my head allows them and I find myself back in the bathroom, standing over the creature. “Um, hi,” my words are foreign and forced.
Hello. The mermaid smiles. My name is Andronette. I was sent here to be your new roommate.
I blink at her. My new what?
I appreciate you finding me. I have been stuck here all day. Now if you don’t mind. Some kind of magickal force compels me to grab onto the woman’s hand and yank her up. Her body frees itself from the tub and I can hear a contented sigh as she becomes no longer squished into its depths.
That is better, she hums. Now I heard you were talking about showering. Her nose wrinkles. And I can see why. I assume you have plans tonight so I will leave you to it. Thanks for the assistance. You can bathe in the other bathroom now.
My body leaves the room mechanically. It is not until I am in the other shower that my brain finally catches up to the situation that had just occurred. There is a mermaid living in my bathtub. There goes my chances of a hookup tonight, how the hell am I going to explain that?
